2023-11-26 A Meditation on Playing Both Sides

“4 Since therefore Christ suffered in the flesh, arm yourselves with the same way of thinking, for whoever has suffered in the flesh has ceased from sin, 2 so as to live for the rest of the time in the flesh no longer for human passions but for the will of God. 3 For the time that is past suffices for doing what the Gentiles want to do, living in sensuality, passions, drunkenness, orgies, drinking parties, and lawless idolatry. 4 With respect to this they are surprised when you do not join them in the same flood of debauchery, and they malign you;” (1 Pe 4:1–4 ESV)

Experience writes the tale, playing both sides of sin and salvation’s competition, until realizing: all labeled sin to the marching soldier (see Leviticus, the soldier a priest) is not so far off the mark: we are right to dabble in proper romantic relations, almost. Almost right, too, to do the things that make for a built-up brother and sisterhood. For we languish, stoic and constrained, until some substitute for what would be our passions let out of the bag, some substitute is God miraculously giving the bidding to carry on, healed. To carry on, enveloped. To carry on, heart strangely warmed. To carry on, circumscribed and circumcised unto the Mission.

For God wants hearts converted; God knows that all our deeds are out of our conscious control: we act, not thinking through the consequences; we act well, but because of a circumstance called loving parental unit or flattery or quest for something ambitious. We act poorly, but because of an elder who holds no faith in our goodness. We do all things sometimes alert and deliberating, and sometimes irrational and ruinous to higher plan.

The heart converted is deeply aware of playing both sides, of yes the literal enemy in their other uniform, wearing as we do their heart as in flag on their sleeve. But the enemy is also in our own ranks and experience, those things rightly called “Good” in any time except for the present injunction. Except for the present impasse. Except for the present celibacy.

We are celibate only to accomplish a godliness warming, strange and new, God who heals the depressive or the forlorn, who makes us fit for an at times ruinous fight. Perhaps never again on life’s horizon shall be certain games and fun we once played, “andiamo al discoteca” is said laughingly in our direction. Remember? Do you uphold the Image, Divine Apparatus and Appearance, that Cares, who Cares if we have the midafternoon cookie or cracker, not because that is the war, but because it says something about our overall submission to a rule of life, a code, a testament to how and what we shall get up to in properly tempting scenarios. Our dreams reminding us that we still have a question mark that awakens us: what would you do if the heat was thus-and-such? Or drink, or drug. Drugs: here you are, back on that same woeful tale of you the addict, whether to prescription or otherwise. It is a dream or rather a nightmare, that haunts.

Yet we are not haunted, to leap forth immediately acknowledging the sin and thereby forgiven and called—urgently called—to sally forth into the fight. God needs hearts decisive and habitual, hearts certain and with blockades, one rule or habit after another layering the evil indulgence with buffer zones. Perhaps I shall concede point numero uno, but then we have a second layer, and another layer. And those, out of love for God who cares, who suffers when I sin, for this God I shall keep the holiness and the narrow walk.

Therefore to be a soldier is to renounce sinful underhanded ways, that we may no longer play both sides of the game. We shall acknowledge good things: the soldier recently married is told not to go forth with the army, but rather—if he so chose—to stay home with his or her wife or husband (Deut 24:5). Likewise we adore, we covet, we long for that full-blooded peace not miserly or circumspect, not debilitating nor goofy. We are lords and ladies for the Lord on High, and as such our manhood, our womanhood, is intact, not laughed over or mocked any longer. We once walked that way; today we walk this way. All things testify to a life cold and authoritarian echoes in the world at large, yet with heart habituated not just to the celibacies and fasts, but to the open door unto the poor and the loser. Our door open is our heart worked-over, malleable, tender and awake.